


'cause I'm not fine at all

by riseofskyloren



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Break Up, Coffee Shops, F/M, First Love, Fluff, HEA, Love at First Sight, Memories, Post-Break Up, Rey and Ben are now 30, Short Chapter, They need a hug, War, death mention, how do you keep living when you're soulmate left, maybe smut i haven't made my mind yet, most of the chapters are about the past, most of the story is about the way they remember their relationship, very short story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:07:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23946679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riseofskyloren/pseuds/riseofskyloren
Summary: It had been 5 years since they've last seen each other. It hadn't been a hard break up; not at all. No one had yelled, a few tears were shared and that was it. Over. As if they had never happened in a first place.Ben had left for the Marine corps a few hours later and Rey had kept their cat. An agreement they had reached when they had realised that long distance relationship wouldn't work for them.And here he was. 5 years later. Ordering his coffee at the same place he used to. Just like he had never left. As if nothing had changed.In hindsight, Rey shouldn't have been surprised.𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝑰 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒂𝒄𝒆, '𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝑰'𝒎 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒂𝒕 𝒂𝒍𝒍
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	'cause I'm not fine at all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somwhere between 5 years ago and nowadays; Rey is still thinking about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem you'll read in this chapter is called [One Art ](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47536/one-art) and is by Elizabeth Bishop. It's one of my favorite one and I thought it was working.

“𝑰 𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒐𝒍𝒅 𝒎𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈  
𝑰 𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆-𝒖𝒑 𝒓𝒖𝒏𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒅𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆  
𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒎𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒍𝒆𝒇𝒕 𝒃𝒆𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒊𝒅𝒏'𝒕 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎  
𝑳𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒍𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝒘𝒆 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒎𝒂𝒅𝒆”

_Rey - Los Angeles. Somewhere between 5 years ago and nowadays._

Love hurts. A plain sentence that Rey had never really understood until he had to leave.

Rey had read about it in hundreds of novels, watch about it in those romantic films that she’s obsessed about but yet; nothing could have had prepared her for the tidal wave that was coming. No one had warned her that having your heart broke by someone would be that painful. She had tried to prepare herself for this, she knew it was coming; but that didn’t erase the slightest part of her pain. It felt like she was drowning. Alone in the middle of what used to be their apartment, she was waiting for someone to take away her pain and save her. But no one came.

Rey had met Ben 12 summers ago when she moved from London to Los Angeles for college. If she closed her eyes, she could still remember perfectly their first encounters. They had met at the freshman orientation party and for reasons she could still not explain after all this time, they bounded almost immediately.

They were polar opposites. Rey was always laughing; living her life as if she might die tomorrow. Something that Ben had always admire, wishing that he would be able to do the same on day. When Rey had no strings attached, Ben was always in the shadow of his last name; the only son of a Hollywood family that had no interest in acting or being under the spotlight. He was reserved while she was outgoing. And it worked for them.

“𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚜𝚗’𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛;

𝚜𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚖 𝚏𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝

𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚗𝚘 𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛.”

Rey never thought she would be the kind of girl to fall in love at first sight. She had always pictured herself falling in love eventually with a long-time friend. Maybe a love story like Monica and Chandler. Something comforting but passionate. Ben and she had never been friends, they started dating right away. The after party they were supposed to share with the hundreds of freshmen, they spent it at a coffeeshop downtown and it quickly became a ritual.

Ben had asked her to be his girlfriend exactly 3 months after they had met. She had said yes, of course, already deeply and madly in love with this tall angry and socially awkward man. He had told her he loved her 2 months later, on the same beach they had shared their first kiss.

Looking back, Rey was convinced she would have married him. That he was the one. The soulmate she had had the chance to meet in this ocean of people. But that never happened. Because he left.

When he had told her about the idea of enrolling in the Marine corps, Rey had had insomnia for weeks. Even when he was cuddling her in the bed they shared in their apartment, Rey could feel that his mind was already gone; thousands of miles away from here. From her.

“𝙻𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚍𝚊𝚢. 𝙰𝚌𝚌𝚎𝚙𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚕𝚞𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛

𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚘𝚛 𝚔𝚎𝚢𝚜, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚋𝚊𝚍𝚕𝚢 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚝.

𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚜𝚗’𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛.”

The idea of enrolling in the army blossomed in Ben’s head during the sixth year of their relationship. Rey knew it because he had told her while they were waiting in line for their coffees—at the same place they had shared their first one what felt like thousand of years ago. She remembers feeling her blood frozen in her body, the realization that he would be far away for months hard to accept. In hindsight, Rey shouldn’t have been surprised. Ben had always had a hard temper; always camouflaged behind his shyness. He had admitted to her more than once that there was an anger in him, boiling in his veins and that someday it would explode and destroy everything on its way.

“ _I need to deal with this anger, use it in something that matters”_ he had told her that day.

She had been supportive, not because the idea was appealing but because it was her girlfriend’s duty. No one had supported this idea, his family begging him to stay here; but she had putted her fears away—supported him every step of the way.

Nowadays, she still has no idea what were the real reasons behind his decision. They had talked about if for hours; a feeling of patriotism and a necessity to help thousands of civilians living under organizations ruled by terrorisms. He was craving for a challenge, begging for someone to tell him where he belonged and what he had to do in a world he hadn’t quite managed to figure out.

That summer was their last one, together. And they knew it. After 7 long years of love he would just leave and never look back. That was something they had discussed. Ben needed someone to fix him and Rey couldn’t live this way. The very idea of losing Ben overseas had made her throw up more than once. She knew she couldn’t be the girlfriend waiting for the love of her life to come back home. It was unfair; for the both of them.

So, they made a deal. They would spend their last summer together and when Ben would have to leave for boot camps, they would call it a day. A mutual decision they had reached after hours of negotiation. The both of them trying to repair a sinking boat that couldn’t be save. A one that was long gone.

“𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚙𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚏𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛, 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚏𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛:

𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚎𝚜, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚗𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚜, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚝

𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚟𝚎𝚕. 𝙽𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚜𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛.”

Yes, if she closed her eyes hard enough, Rey could definitely still feel the weight of Ben’s hands on her neck; pulling her closer than he had ever did for their last kiss. She could still feel the salt on her lips as their tears mixed shamelessly, his lips trembling on hers. His last words to her were _I’ll love you forever Rey_ and it was it. 7 years of relationship blowing in the wind as he walked out the door; never looking back.

That day she’d lost a part of herself; a piece of her heart leaving with him. She wouldn’t be able to say when the healing process had started; but what she knew for sure was that after 5 long years without any news, the simple mention of his name was still tainted with a loss. One that makes her heart heavy.

As time went by, the emptiness he had created was a little bit easier to deal with. After 5 weeks, Rey had stopped crying herself to sleep every night. After 3 months, she had laughed for the first time. After 2 years, she had tried to date again; but it wasn’t a success— her heart entirely devoted to a soldier overseas. One that had probably forgot all about her; her face becoming blurry in his mind while he was kissing someone else. Maybe his wife; maybe his children.

If she was being honest with herself, Rey selfishly wishes that he was alone. As miserable as she still was 5 years later. How could that be any other way? How could he be in love with someone else when she hadn’t entirely moved on? She could have asked his parents a billion times but she’d never found the courage to do it— afraid to find out the truth about him. About his new life, one that had no place for her.

“𝙸 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚖𝚢 𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛’𝚜 𝚠𝚊𝚝𝚌𝚑. 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔! 𝚖𝚢 𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚝, 𝚘𝚛

𝚗𝚎𝚡𝚝-𝚝𝚘-𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚝, 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚍 𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚎𝚗𝚝.

𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚜𝚗’𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛.”

Her 30 years old were dangerously approaching and Rey was still feeling that she hadn’t figured out her life. Her body was in the present while her heart and mind were still living on the past. Every day was the same, a routine she had learned to master on autopilot. Waking up for work in the morning and coming home to an empty house where only Kylo, a cat they had adopted, was waiting for her.

It wasn’t living, it was _surviving_. And Rey had become good at it.

Rey was looking through the window of the coffeeshop she was still a regular customer of. Her eyes were fixing an imaginary point of the busy street, her brain not quite recording what was happening in front of her eyes. The sun was rising, the hours early. She had been dreading this day. The one that marked his departure 7 years earlier. It was a sad anniversary that she would still sadly celebrate every year.

For the last 7 years, on this very date, she would take a walk at dawn; order her regular expresso and allow herself to think about him. More than usual at least. She would look at the street her heart missing a beat every time a tall black hair man was walking on the side walk. It was sad— almost pathetic but she needed this. This reflection time with herself, a nice reminder that even if her heart was broken; everything they had one day had been worth the struggle. Worth all the tears.

Rey knew that she would do it all over again. Because Ben had been worth it. She would fall in love again, lost herself in his horizon and use him as an anchor; and when it would be the time for the final goodbye— she would welcome it; grateful that it happened in the first place. It was a nice thing to imagine, that they would one day find their way back to each other. As they were once meant to be.

She had read somewhere that home was the place your heart is. She had given a lot of thought about this. She had always thought that home was the place you live in, a house you’re leaving in the morning and coming back to at the end of the day. She remembers sitting in her couch after reading this, looking around her. The walls were white, her furniture taking a lot of space in the already small area. It was her house. But it wasn’t her home, not anymore at least. Her heart was far away; home was far away. Ben was her home; one that she could still remember but not reach.

“𝙸 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚌𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚎𝚜, 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜. 𝙰𝚗𝚍, 𝚟𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛,

𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚖𝚜 𝙸 𝚘𝚠𝚗𝚎𝚍, 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚛𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜, 𝚊 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚗𝚝.

𝙸 𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜𝚗’𝚝 𝚊 𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛.”

Rey took a sip of her coffee, burning her tongue slightly. It was going to be a long day and she was already exhausted. Missing someone that much was exhausting. _Tomorrow is gonna be better_ she whispered mentally to herself. A mantra she had been holding on to lately. Because her biggest fear was starting to come alive.

It had started a few months ago when she was watching A walk to remember; a movie they used to watch all the time. Rey because she loved sad love story, Ben because he had always preferred old movies rather than Hollywood new productions. Ben had for habit to always make the same speech at the end of the movie, swiping away Rey’s tears. And she couldn’t remember it. The words she had heard so many times and knew by heart at a point in her life had vanished. She had cried that day, mad at herself that her memories were starting to erase details. Details that mattered to her.

She knew those days would come eventually. That one day she would forget the shape of his eyes, the scent of his perfume or his low voice when he was murmuring her gentle words during sex. That wasn’t making it easier. If she wasn’t able to remember everything, she would eventually reach the point of no return: the point where Ben would be a stranger. A blurry memory of her past.

Her coffee was getting cold. Her mind playing back late-night memories.

“—𝙴𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞 (𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚓𝚘𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎, 𝚊 𝚐𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚎

𝙸 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎) 𝙸 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚗’𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚍. 𝙸𝚝’𝚜 𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚝

𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐’𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚘𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛

𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚒𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚢 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 (𝚆𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚎 𝚒𝚝!) 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛.”

She thought it was a mirage. An illusion created by her mind to play with her. A rather cruel one. And even if she was refusing to believe it; her eyes filled with tears almost immediately.

She would have recognized him in a crowd of a billion men. And by the look on his face as he took his cup and started to walk to a table near hers. So did he.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me on [Twitter ](https://twitter.com/qdamdriver)


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